But I'm not. And every time you lied about me I felt it. I tried to fix our marriage. You didn't want to help and that's your choice and we both have to live with that. You didn't need to use me as a whipping boy to validate your decision. You did anyway cause it was so easy to bash me. Every time you told him how evil I was felt like it was bringing him closer to you. So you victimized yourself at my expense.
Now your new relationship was founded on bashing me and hiding insecurities. He thinks you'll go back to me. You'd do anything to put his mind at ease. So turning me into a monster has become a convenient truth. It's been going on too long to stop now. You feel compelled to make me a monster in every situation.
Except I'm not the monster. I'm not who you say I am. You see who I really am. Everything you claimed I was...loveless, jealous, controlling, manipulative..this guy IS. You second guess any opinion you give him because you're afraid of it being wrong. You truly walk on egg shells now, any little thing can set him off. Continually apologizing in case your words angered him if he doesn't respond. You enabled and fed his insecurities. You've created walls to keep everyone out but him. You turned your back on everything you were and wanted to be, just to try and fit what he wants.
You say you can't be with me because you need to be with someone capable of love. How many times has he said he loves you? Most likely it's zero but you'd never admit it. But he has no problem opening bragging about his racism. How fervent his hatred and he wears it with pride. His utter joy at someone he doesn't agree with being run over and killed. And you see this as the character traits of a "great man". This is the man you say would be a good role-model for my son? A man so perfect the only explanation for him is that he was sent straight from God as a reward for being so miserable with me.
You aren't even phased by his vitriol...you encouraged him....you praised him...you were proud of him...but I'm the loveless demon...
Even when our son fell and hit his head.
I cleaned up his vomit
I cleaned the car seat
I changed his clothes
I talked to the doctors
I held his 5 yr old scared self while he asked where mommy is
Mommy couldn't "deal" and had to go smoke weed (something you can't even admit to "him" that you still do). But that didn't stop you from taking the credit.
You told him you did it all by yourself
You happily let him infer that I was a piece of shit sitting at home the whole time
You accepted his praise of your mothering
You told him how much his moral support helped you get through such a rough day
You didn't care that I was the only one that actually supported our family that day
You tell him he's the amazing one
And what do you say about me in the end? That you hope I will man up and take over parenting the rest of the night cause you've been carrying the torch all day.
That's not just thinking the worst of me...that's consciously lying to make me a monster, and for what? This is why I say (rightfully so) that you're under his control. You can't tell him the truth. You can't admit to him that I'm a fucking great dad. You told him you were going to take me to court and keep my son from me because of HIS insecurities.
You've let it snowball out of control and there's no stopping it now. You can't come clean for fear of losing him. Everyone you talk to probably thinks you're insane for leaving our son with me. You know the truth though. You know he would have everything he ever needed. You know I'd raise him to be an amazing young man. You know you would never have to worry about him and if he was going to be okay. But no one else can know that. The truth is hard...and if they knew the truth they might begin to question your actions and decisions.
Pretending you're someone else and lying to make me something else has become the norm. But the more you gain from pretending...the less you'll have. Saying this is all God's plan and you're just along for the ride doesn't take away the responsibilities and consequences of your actions.
Even after all that...after having to pull countless knives out of my back...I still look out for our son's and your best interests. Not mine....yours. Cause I know i'll be fine. And deep down somewhere inside you...you know how much I loved you. You knew my love was unconditional. You knew you could tell me anything and not be judged or have it used against you. That's why I'll stay the only person you confided your past in...not because you've made peace with it. But because he would never accept it. And if that doesn't prove which one of us actually loves you....nothing ever will.
You still deserve to be happy. You were right though, you don't deserve him...you deserve better...
...so do I.
-Callisto Rising
